The Legend of the Poker Translator

Authored by: Poker Heaven

A few months ago, I was sitting at the bar of my local casino when a mysterious cloaked man approached me.

"Wanna be amazed?" he asked quietly. He held out his hand to reveal a small gadget resting in his palm. "This is the Poker Translator," he proclaimed, "and it will translate any gibberish that comes out of your opponents' mouths."

"Poppcock!" I exclaimed.

The man looked at me menacingly. "I urge you to give it a go. You will not be dissatisfied," he said adamantly. "I have used this throughout my entire poker career, and now it is time to pass it on to you."

After initially brushing him aside as nothing more than a madman, I succumbed to the man's persuasive nature and decided to pop in one of the earpieces. He directed me towards a couple of local players emerged in conversation, and this is what I heard:

Mr X: "How's your luck been recently?"
Mr Y: "My luck has been fine, it's my play that's been dismal. I'm an incredibly poor player who has been in denial for the last 40 years."
Mr X: "Me too. Admittedly, I get the odd bad beat, but no more than anyone else."
Mr Y: "I had aces cracked last night."
Mr X: "Oh that is unlucky."
Mr Y: "Not particularly, I slowplayed them and got caught with my pants down. I deserved everything I got."

I'd heard enough. I removed the ear-piece and swiftly dipped into my wallet. However, to my surprise, the man had mysteriously vanished, leaving his poker translator behind.

At this point, I decided to set out on a field trip, visiting various cardrooms and trying to find out what my new found possession could do. Looking forward to what secrets I might unearth, I embarked on a voyage of poker discovery. These were some of my most frequent findings:

(1) "You were ahead anyway" = "I had the best hand but I'm too ashamed to admit that I was outplayed and bluffed off the pot."

(2) "I had to call" = "I didn't have to call at all and should have folded."

(3) "I know I'm behind but..." = "I haven't got a clue where I stand, but I don't like folding, so..."

(4) "I was pot committed" = "I can't find any other excuse for making that shoddy call."

(5) "Sorry" = "I'm glad I won and I hope I take more of your lovely chips in the future."

(6) "I broke even for the day" = "I'm down for the day"

(7) "I'm up for the day" = "I broke even for the day"

(8) "I'm a few quid down for the day" = "I've just lost my house, car, wife and the shirt off my back."

(9) "I'll pay you back when I can" = "I'll include you in my will."

(10) "I had a read on him" = "I guessed and got lucky. I couldn't read a book."

(11) "Shall we do a saver for 11th" = "Please have mercy. I'm in 11th position and have had 10 rebuys."

(12) "Good fold" = "Thank God you folded."

(13) "Sorry, I didn't realise the blinds had gone up" = "Darn, I thought no-one had noticed that the blinds had gone up."

(14) "Good luck all" = "I hope you all suffer a horrific run of cards."

(15) "I'll let you have it this time" = "I had no intention of calling and you'll probably be able to take the pot off me again next time."

(16) "Just one more hand" = "I'll finish when the casino kicks me out."

(17) "New deck, please" = "I am on a bad run and my last hope is that the cardroom manager brings over a magic deck that deals me the nuts every hand."

(18) "I'll be back as soon as I exit the comp, love" = "If I go out early, I'm either heading straight to the cash game, or straight to the bar."

(19) "I'm quitting poker" = "Same time tomorrow, boys?"

(20) "snoopy is the best player in the World" = .....

At this point the poker translator just went crazy, caught fire and exploded. Just one too many lies I guess.